Words

 I return once again to this somewhat dead blog. Though I like to think that my thoughts have remained immortalized, my ability to materialize them have eroded and near non-existent.

Being honest with myself, this little blog post I'm making is a test to myself while I foolishly attempt to prepare for another round of Ielts tests. My time in Australia may soon be coming to an end and I am carelessly attempting a different approach. But, like everything, I need to attempt another Ielts exam because I can't just use the general one I took a year ago.

I mock these exams for making it look like I lose my ability to use the English language after 2 or 3 years. But the more I do self studying, the more I realize maybe they aren't so far off. My listening and reading are still pretty damn good and I work customer service, so I like to think my speaking ain't too bad. But  my writing...

Oh my god, my writing.

It's gotten really bad.

My ability to organize my thoughts properly and spit out an opinion has diminished. I can have thoughts but I can't have order. Honestly, it makes my embitterment over my writing career's end much more intense the more I let myself simmer in it.

How did I go from writing so much in a week to absolutely hating the idea of typing out anything? 

It's abhorrent. 

Not to mention my vocabulary has become so saturated and bland. (See how I avoided using the word shit just to justify having a slightly more expanded vocab? It is what it is though, my vocabulary IS shit.)

I want to blame a lot of things for everything that's gone wrong over the past few years. But the reality is, I've only myself to blame for the direction my life is going.

I'm not particularly suicidal anymore. I'm sad, but I'm not constantly wishing to end it.
I THINK about the end, but there's no reason to accelerate it.
It's a right shame, considering I was starting to finally find myself at peace with my life here.
I've found a community and a handful of friends.
I've found my rhythm.
I've found myself in a more comfortable place in the impasse I've put myself in.
And suddenly it's go big or go home. Again.

I know this blog post is meant as a stimulation exercise for myself but it still hurts to think that I've lost myself so much that I was willing to just exist.

Maybe I deserve what's coming to me.

I don't want to leave my family.
But I think the best thing to do is have a reset.
Maybe find myself once more.
I'd like to love what I used to be.

Hopefully this helps me come back into writing.

One Year Later...

 God DAMMIT.

It's really all I have to say to sum up my whole year since my last post. Annoying considering that supposed dedication to writing again was supposed to be a new start. But it is what it is...

But what really is it when It is what it is?

Journaling is weird. I should probably do this on paper since it's more permanent. If this account or blog dies, the entries in it do to. Not that I hadn't already purged the old depressing stuff from it but hey, what the hell.
I suppose if there's any reason why I haven't written in a while, it's probably because I didn't have a lot to say, or because I didn't know how to say it. This writing block has been going on since 2020. I haven't written anything decent in a while and any Idea I've had hasn't made past the planning stage. All of my dreams as an ADHD brainrotted teenager has completely fell down the drain. Makes me feel kinda bad for my sister, who wanted to be an actress but ended up being a nurse. My other sister mocked her for trying it and I honestly just feel bad nothing came after the one audition she tried to go for.

I'm dragging things out. Why don't I go start with an update to my life, oh non existent reader.

Let's see, where to start.

Okay, so I still don't have another job. Womp womp. I work at the cinema still, but they're rostering me more on the ice cream shop now and I've gaslit myself into liking it. So much so that I'm the designated Ice Cream shop guy now. Better than the shit people up at floor have to deal with, especially after Minecraft. Like dude, kids were flour bombing our cinemas. It's so insane that bag checks have been reinstated to check for food. It's horrible. Speaking of horrible, Until Dawn the Movie has come out and I'm really hoping it tanks because fuck, why didn't they just use the game's plot? All they did was take the title and rolled with whatever bullshit they had.
I'm not giving it a chance. It's so disrespectful, my gosh.

Let's move on. There's a lot of drama in the cinema and I'd love to talk all about it, but sadly if I do I'd probably get recognized here. This being a personal blog, I think I'm relatively safe from Reddit Fame at this point. Now then, what next?

I managed to work on, detail the plot, start and draw an old comic idea that me and some friends from Uni formed. I've got drafts for the first chapter all planned out. I've started publishing it on Webtoon.
The catch? I haven't updated past Episode 8. Yeah, doing art stuff solo is painful.
Drawing, lineart, and coloring is exhausting... But I'll see if I can start working on them again little by little.

On to the next life event. I don't think I discussed this, but I had a partner for about 3-4 years. She was a friend from Uni and we had some history. I think the best way to describe it has been wrong timing for all accounts. We did long distance for a great majority of this relationship and honestly, the longer it went the more the feelings started to fade. It wasn't working out. When the fights started, it was terrible. We didn't treat each other right. The last year we were together, I started to be more passive. Life was taking over and honestly, sometimes it was getting harder to just reply. And I couldnt really give her what she wanted. I'm just not in that position to make plans. In the end, I was planning to break up with her after my sister's wedding, but she called me and initiated. It was a very peaceful resolution and we decided to remain friends at least. Though, that just means that we probably wont be talking or hanging out again for a very long time. I care for her, but it's just not the same anymore.

On a related note, Months have passed and now I'm trying to see where life takes me from here. Knowing this blog is pretty anonymous and only a few people know about it without it ever getting out to unnecessary people, I've casually started a dating profile. With no success. But that's not really the kicker here.
This is information only a few people know, but I'm actually Bisexual. I've only been with the one partner, but I've also liked men before. I just never acted on it. At least, not on purpose. If you were one of the few souls that actually saw my depressing blog posts that I've sent to oblivion, the first boy I ever liked was a coworker I had become incredibly close with. When he left, I was shattered and tried everything to keep contact. It didnt turn out well and I spiralled. I didn't realize it until some time, but I figured I started to love him. Only a few friends know this. Funny enough, now that years have passed, we're actually pretty cool right now. Occasionally talking even. But that's about it. And now, I want to see where my self discovery takes me. I want to learn more about myself and try dating men. Sadly, I haven't gotten any matches. It's a sad life.

I guess that's enough of an update for now. Maybe one day I'll remember this blog exists again and right a random post.

Ciao bitches.

Shudder

Well, well!
14 days later into March and not a single entry to your blog?
For shame, Max. For shame.
Well, it's not like much has happened besides more of the work getting delegated to me because teenagers are lazy assholes.
I need to get out of here.
There's a lot of pressure on me to get out of my current job and situation but I feel trapped and I know I'm not doing much to improve my odds.
I fucking suck.
The past few days have been very hot as well and I've managed to spend an absurd amount of time off because I swapped out my work days.
And now my body clock is broken. Again. I'm gonna have to work tomorrow- Or today, rather.
I don't want to.
We were supposed to go do an escape room last Sunday too but the heat put a stop to that.
I hope we can replan soon.
I've also got a new idea I haven't worked on in a while but if anyone is actually reading this, there's an experimental short going on in my story blog!
Hopefully I can commit to that at least.
I'm gonna have to cut this short because I need to get some rest before I have to go back to work again.
I'm seriously going to take a week off at some point.
-Max.

Gaps

 I missed yesterday's update on purpose. Though I suppose I don't HAVE to update my blog every single day. But by doing so, it just means I can enforce a form of commitment.
Man, though. Do I have a thing to tell you.
I was feeling productive last Monday and decided, OKAY LETS GET A HAIRCUT.
Melbourne Weather is craaaaazy. But since it's summer, most of the time it's been kinda hot and my hair was long.
So I ate at the right time, cleaned up and went straight for it.
I waited a bit until it got to my turn.
I was like "Eh, I usually get a buzzcut but I'm feeling adventurous. Can you give me a short but stylish hair? I trust you."
Words spoken before disaster.
I'd rather not post a picture of what the travesty that was my hair was but the basic jist of my thought process was:
"Oh god. Please tell me you're not done. Oh god, oh god, please don't tell me I'm paying 30 dollars for this. I LOOK LIKE EDNA MODE."
I tried to get him to cut my hair shorter but he refused and said it would make my hair look weird. BRO, IT ALREADY LOOKS SUPER FUCKING COOKY.
HE SEEMED SO PROUD OF IT TOO!
BRO, HE MADE ME FOLLOW HIM ON IG AND SAID HE'D GIVE ME FASHION ADVICE.
I UNNO ABOUT ANY FASHION OR SOMETHING BUT WHATEVER THAT CUT WAS, IT WAS NOT IT.
It was so ghetto. The back of my head looked poofy. It was the kind of bad that you can't fix with hair wax.
I spent today wearing a hat at work.
I just kept myself super busy so I can NOT think about it.
And when I got off work, first time I did was go to a salon.
The nice Chinese lady who did my hair was just as perplexed as I was.
She was like "Who did your hair? What happened? Such an ugly haircut! Come. I'll cut your hair."
Let me compare how this session went and how the Monday cut went.
The Monday cut took over an hour to do and he basically shaved a half fade and cut off my bangs.
The nice lady who fixed my hair took 30 minutes, 15 of that was just quickly shaving off the unsightly parts that the guy from last Monday did.
And when I say fix, I meant SAVED.
Sure, I spent another 30 dollars on it but this was well worth the price.
I am never having my hair cut by anyone other than her I swear to god.
It went from ugly to damn good if I do say so myself.
Other than that, time has been unproductive.
I don't really want to get into another spiel about work. I bitch about it to my coworkers enough to scream to the heavens.
For now, this will have to do.
Some day, I'm gonna have to come up with a way to properly end blog posts. Like a signature or something.
I bid you adieu I guess.

-MaxAxil

You Can Never Go Home (Koethe)

Setback

If yesterday was one of my more productive days, today has got to be one of the most unproductive days I've ever had in a while.
You'll NEVER guess what I did all day.

If you guessed Persona 3 Reload, then yeah you totally guessed right.

I'm at the final month and I got a little too obsessed with grinding it out. That game takes so much time out of my life that I'm honestly feeling a little frustrated that I haven't finished it yet.
It was so bad that I had to sleep at around 7PM from a headache.
Though I suppose that's probably from me not eating lunch at the right hour and then eating dinner late.
I said I'd make fried rice. I ended up buying KFC because I wanted fried chicken.
So much for saving money.
I did not do anything of worth today and I'm disappointed in myself.
If not just for being unable to work on IT learning or generally trying to improve my life, but even just my other hobbies.

February is a really good month for gaming. But it's not a good month for me to start being a decent human being. I want to say I don't have to be worried all the time but I've spent a lot of my life coasting and now that it's finally getting back to me, I can't just sit idly by even with the time I do have.
I wish there was something I could do to motivate myself better.
Apparently, impending doom is not enough to make me try harder.

It's 4AM in the morning.
I was supposed to write this post 6 hours ago.
But I spent 2 of those hours killing the P3 Reaper 3 times just to level up my party.
Then started fusing Personas.
How shameful.

Again, there's always tomorrow.
And in an effort to try and be positive about today, I won't talk down on myself tonight.
Good things will happen.
Surely.

-MaxAxil

Memories of You (Persona 3)

Streak

 With these consecutive blogposts happening in the span of 3 days (Though the last one did seem way too short and way too late), I'm sort of reminded of how excited I used to be to write for my story blog back in College. It was even more fun when I used to write with my friend, Ethel. Constantly waiting for new stories for either of us to share together. Man, those were the days.
Unfortunately, unless they were one offs, I don't think I really finished any of the series I wrote besides the one with the Controlled Humans with Distorted Smiles. Smile Demons be damned.
So I guess I am kinda proud of myself. If maybe just a little surprised.
Now if I can just apply this streak to the Spanish Duolingo I tried starting and the Google Workspace stuff I've been trying to do. Hah!
But, I've got more things to be proud of today, I suppose.
Other than this, I suppose, I actually cleaned my room, rearranged my furniture, and did my laundry. Also, I cleaned the sink and put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher so YAY FOR THAT!
I didn't do IT Shit today though and I'm still at a standstill.
But I won't berate myself for that right now. I just have to believe I can do this and bring myself to actually do it. I have to.
Or I'll be stuck being forced to make Ice Cream Cakes for the unforeseeable future. And that's a big yikes.
It is once again 2AM in the morning and I am having trouble willingly trying to fix my sleep schedule. If I didn't leave my Playstation 5 outside where my sister is doing her polymer earrings, I would have probably been even more late because I'd be playing P3 right now. I've always been known to take my time at Tartarus so I know it would have been bad.
I'd sneak out to grab it after she finishes with it, but it's late and honestly, it's a good test of my self control.
At least I can do that much on that front.
I can't even finish writing this thing because I keep getting distracted by my attempts to free up my discord servers.
I keep stopping over some of them just to check what's inside. It's stupid.
But I guess I've always been a nostalgic person.
Cleaning always ends up with me stopping at some point just to check up on things I find and reminiscing. 
But I digress. Today's achievements were small but I believe it's a good first step to discipline and getting somewhere.
If I let myself lie prey to all the negative thoughts I have in my head and the feelings of being trapped, I'd wither away completely.
Being self aware of that fact makes it even harder to bear.
Next, maybe I'll learn how to cook fried chicken!
I'll post about it if I ever do.
Till then, this marks a beginning I suppose.

-MaxAxil

The Adults Are Talking (The Strokes)

Reloaded

 Another day, another outrageous time to be awake.
I managed to spend the day not doing much at work and then spend the rest of the day playing Persona 3. At this point, I should just finish the game so I can stop. But I'm min-maxing again and obsessing over Fusing Personas.
If that's not a fun little update, I did my chores at 3AM, just a little after I finally ate Dinner.
My Dad's right. I need discipline.
And even though I'm escaping my life by playing Persona 3, the game reminds me how this game is riddled with so many important life lessons that I feel bad that I'm enjoying myself instead of using what I learned to be a better person.
I've got the next few days off and I intend to do something about it. I hope what little resolve I have manages to surface itself because I need to get out of this feeling of being trapped.
Being stagnant has always been a weakness of mine and I've shrunk in the face of challenge.
Listen to me go on and on. At 5AM I'm barely making sense.
But I promised I would write at least.
Still, with so little time left before the next day truly starts, I should probably get some rest so my mind and fingers would be more inclined to express me properly. I'm so loopy that I've barely managed to be passive aggressive to myself today.
But what do I know?

For now, maybe consider this as a mini update into my daily life.
Now to fix this body clock.

-MaxAxil.