Words

 I return once again to this somewhat dead blog. Though I like to think that my thoughts have remained immortalized, my ability to materialize them have eroded and near non-existent.

Being honest with myself, this little blog post I'm making is a test to myself while I foolishly attempt to prepare for another round of Ielts tests. My time in Australia may soon be coming to an end and I am carelessly attempting a different approach. But, like everything, I need to attempt another Ielts exam because I can't just use the general one I took a year ago.

I mock these exams for making it look like I lose my ability to use the English language after 2 or 3 years. But the more I do self studying, the more I realize maybe they aren't so far off. My listening and reading are still pretty damn good and I work customer service, so I like to think my speaking ain't too bad. But  my writing...

Oh my god, my writing.

It's gotten really bad.

My ability to organize my thoughts properly and spit out an opinion has diminished. I can have thoughts but I can't have order. Honestly, it makes my embitterment over my writing career's end much more intense the more I let myself simmer in it.

How did I go from writing so much in a week to absolutely hating the idea of typing out anything? 

It's abhorrent. 

Not to mention my vocabulary has become so saturated and bland. (See how I avoided using the word shit just to justify having a slightly more expanded vocab? It is what it is though, my vocabulary IS shit.)

I want to blame a lot of things for everything that's gone wrong over the past few years. But the reality is, I've only myself to blame for the direction my life is going.

I'm not particularly suicidal anymore. I'm sad, but I'm not constantly wishing to end it.
I THINK about the end, but there's no reason to accelerate it.
It's a right shame, considering I was starting to finally find myself at peace with my life here.
I've found a community and a handful of friends.
I've found my rhythm.
I've found myself in a more comfortable place in the impasse I've put myself in.
And suddenly it's go big or go home. Again.

I know this blog post is meant as a stimulation exercise for myself but it still hurts to think that I've lost myself so much that I was willing to just exist.

Maybe I deserve what's coming to me.

I don't want to leave my family.
But I think the best thing to do is have a reset.
Maybe find myself once more.
I'd like to love what I used to be.

Hopefully this helps me come back into writing.