Death

Death.
The eternal cycle of life and death.
The end of a singularity in one’s life.
It’s a concept so real and haunting that people fear the thought of taking their last breaths.
But you know, there’s a different kind of pain that comes with death. Or more specifically, something that comes with the pain of knowing someone you know or know of is gone.
The thing about death that makes everyone scared of it is the fact that it’s sudden. It can come to you anytime.
In your sleep, at a party, on the road.
It applies to everyone without discrimination and we all end up 6 feet under.
And don’t get me started on people who play God.
It’s a strange sensation that their physical form is still there in that coffin, but they won’t ever open their eyes or talk about their problems or laugh.
Remember that episode of Buffy when her mom dies and Anya breaks down because she just can’t grasp that it just happened?
That’s what I meant.
Today, I think I’ll talk about the immortality within the deceased.
A thing I like to believe in is how when people die, it’s ironically when they start to live forever.
Because for a lot of people, they take for granted or forget the ones they love and care about until they’re gone.
It weakens the heart.
About a few weeks ago, one of my Aunts who was battling cancer died.
I wasn’t especially close to her, but it was very strange to realize that someone who just threw a birthday party months ago has departed.
I didn’t expect to hear this news when my father picked me up from my condo that Friday night. I knew this person since I was a child and now I wasn’t ever going to hear anything about her ever again.
But you know, death is unfair sometimes. Unpredictable and Unfair.
Death takes people away too soon sometimes. A lot of times, they’re people who are kind and talented.
The effect on the people who are left behind to pick the pieces up varies from people to people.
Especially amongst fans of people who made an impact to communities they created. Like celebrities.
In a collective sense, there is shared grief between people who admired those who they didn’t know. It’s such a deep seated impact that you can’t believe you mourn for people you never really knew. And you know what? It’s especially heartbreaking to watch others mourn for their friends.
Take Edd Gould, creator of Eddsworld, for example. Beloved and one of the strings that brought a lot of people together. When he died, a lot of people cried for him. But none more among his friends than, at least I believe, Tomska. His death has had a lasting effect on Tom that it haunts his dreams to this day.
Monty Oum was, personally, devastating to me. He created Dead Fantasy and later on, RWBY. Both series I loved immensely. To learn that he’d died, I was almost sure it was just a sick joke.
But he was truly gone. You can see how things changed from RWBY onward. But the people of Rooster Teeth, amidst their grief, Kept Moving Forward. That’s what they would have wanted.
Nathan Wills…
If you’ve read my previous blogs, you’d know how much his suicide came out of nowhere and devastated a lot of his friends and family.
He was someone you never expected to be struggling with emotional turmoil.
And in his death, I’ve seen on youtube how much it hurt the people who kept him close to his heart.
Katers… Cory Williams… Sara Parker… His parents… His sister…
His fans…
I didn’t know of him for a long time, but he linger my thoughts a lot. Almost like an imaginary friend. And his music is so beautiful yet so haunting now.
With my Aunt’s recent death, it got me thinking about the last time I actually truly mourned.
I might sound cold, but when she died, my heart was solid enough to only offer my thoughts and prayers. I was sad, yes… But it didn’t break me.
The effect of this death had long since passed. It was so many years ago that sometimes I forget.
And there were some things I regret about this timeline that I didn’t offer a lot of information about what went down to anyone that asked.
So in writing this, I can at least immortalize that memory.
It was a night me and my family were coming home from a trip.
My father had just gotten a call. He was a little shocked and continued talking to the other person on the line.
This person, who had worked for us to make our home and took the time to care for me, had died.
This man was someone who played with me and didn’t mind spending his time with a child.
Things had started looking up for him. My father got him a job in Meralco and even had a wife.
And one trip to the beach ended with him saving a person from drowning and he himself drowning.
When my dad broke the news to us, I started sobbing. The car ride was silent away from my endless tears.
It couldn’t possibly be true. Not him.
I was just a kid. I didn’t know how death gave such an effect on people.
I lost grandparents and relatives I didn’t know or was never close with, and I never quite understood.
But he was young. He was a good person. He was my friend.
And he was gone.
He was dead.
I was never going to see him again. I was never going to play with him or talk to him. He was never going to see me grow up. He was never going to be able to start his family.
The part I regret about his death was…
I didn’t go this funeral.
I didn’t want to see him. Not like that. Not when he looked like he was just asleep.
I opted to stay home and drown myself in video games to get the thoughts out of my head.
And a few years later, I started to regret it.
Regret I never did get to say a proper goodbye.
Over time, the effect of his death started to fade and I wasn’t sad anymore. The pleasant memories were there. And at least he didn’t have to deal with the pains in life.
Here’s where I’ll end this post.
Remember that people will die.
Never forget to keep people close and don’t hold your tongue. Let them know how much they matter to you.
Or it’ll be too late.

Reboot and Flirting with Sadness

There's something odd about restarting something you've shelved years ago.
The Daily Baggage was supposed to be a record of where I stood in my life and a journal of sorts of my college experience.
So much for that.
To recap, the Daily Baggage experience has been.... Short... and rather angsty. I was an angsty teenager with a lot of suppressed rage and sadness.
Now I'm an angsty adult with more or less the same suppressed feelings and anxiety.
I wanted to start something fresh again, if only to keep me busy while I wait for my Employer to get back to me again (Because they take forever to mail)
Ah yes, I forgot to mention. I graduated Last May. So... Hoorah?
It was a fun and nervous day. Goodbyes were said, tears were shed and we all went our merry ways.
Leaving Manila, I return to Cavite and await my instructions before I move again and finally get to work. Because honestly, I'd rather do something than sit on my ass all day doing nothing. Well not nothing, I've been playing Skyrim all month. And Paladins.
I've reconnected with my High School friends a lot recently and its been a blast getting to see them again. It's not everyone, but I'm glad I get to have that chance once again.
If you read back through my blog, you know that I've... well, I haven't had the prettiest words about them whenever my Birthday rolled around.
Oh but you know, this time I actually had a sort of celebration. It wasn't a big one per se. But it was a fun day.

Anyway, to start off my restart of this blog, I'd like to talk about some major things that's been going on the past month or two.
Aside from continuously going to job interviews and getting rejected and finally getting an offer, there's been an air of depression that fell on me. I mean yeah, it's nothing new if it's just me.
But really, there was just something... odd about this depression this time.
And for some odd reason, I was holding on to it, like I'm seeking something within that cloak of sadness.
Was it the inspiration it brought me? The burst was nice for a moment, but I don't wanna abuse my dark feelings just for a chance to have an idea.
No, it had something to do with this Youtuber that I heard of years ago.
Nathan Wills.
If you aren't familiar with him, he was a Youtuber who produced music that he sold online and majority of the youtube community had used his music 5 years ago (They were mostly instrumental)
He... He killed himself about 5 years go. Stabbed himself 20 times.
I heard about him from a vlog by DudeLikeHella (Now LiveEachDay) a few years ago when I was in that sad corner of Youtube (I just came out of watching Tomska's video of Edd Gould's death. It was heartbreaking.) I saw his vlog(Which is now private or deleted) about him talking about his friend Nathan, who like I said killed himself and how he was going through his music and stuff.
I wasn't a big watcher at the time and I had only checked Nathan Wills out for about a few minutes before I moved on that day.
Mostly because for some reason checking his stuff out at the time scared me. Suicides are touchy subjects for me. Not because I had a personal encounter with it, but... Death like that hits me hard for some reason.
I also found him on a Youtube list of Youtubers that killed himself.
But enough about that. Where am I going with this?
Around a month ago, I was reminded about Nathan Wills, whose content or name I haven't remembered ever since 2013/4 or so (Around the time Cory Williams/DudeLikeHella moved to Alaska and privated/deleted the majority of his 2011-2012 vlogs)
I don't know how, his name just... popped up and some sort of curiosity just came over me and I decided to dive into his content (that fear I had when I was younger had already vanished by then.)
He was... He was the most positive and talented person I've seen on youtube and his music was outstanding. I saw a glimpse of his life through his Vlogs (And Sara Parker/NerdishByNature)'s vlogs.
And as I continued to watch, some sort of need to look Nathan up had come over me, my way of trying to get some sort of clue or answer or maybe just get some sort of closure.
I found nothing. Just hints in the way he wrote in his descriptions and his eerie last keek.
Youtuber friends that made videos or posts remarked he had messaged them or took the time to spend time with them just before he took his life.
It was chilling to think he had this planned just to bring himself at peace or "come back to the heart", he had said.
You never really know what a person thinks...
And, though I didn't know him, his death rocked me as if we were connected. As if I knew him.
It was at that moment, at that day, there was a weird air around me.
It didn't help that a day after, Chester Bennington killed himself.
I was practically trying to keep myself together. (I was a fan of Linkin Park when I was younger)
Nathan Wills didn't leave my head. Correction, he hasn't left my head. I've been trying to find some way to appease this intrigue and feelings about Nathan. I had gone to some lengths to try and quiet my own thoughts, lengths that are a little weird. It mostly involved a small degree net stalking, if only so I can read or watch what people had to say about him.
Because honestly, listening to people talk about suicide is... A little therapeutic to the soul.
There haven't been a lot. Moderate, but not a lot. He was loved.
It was at this moment I felt I was being haunted. Was Nathan Wills haunting me? Some random 21 year old with a lot of free time in his hands? I didn't know the guy (I wish I did though)
It was also at this moment that I realized the fact that I was somewhat holding on to this feeling that I gained out of the loss of Nathan.
I didn't want to, but I held on to it. Or maybe I was latched on to it.
I've dealt with depression, continue to do so, and despite holding it at bay a lot, has this sudden appearance of Nathan in my life suddenly poked the sadness that I hold?
I.. I want answers. Answers he'll never get to give.
Death isn't exactly very accommodating after all.
It reminds me of a friend of mine when I was younger. He drowned. I cried all night and refused to go to his funeral. I regretted that. I stayed to play Kingdom Hearts if only to keep my mind away from his death. But that's a story for another time.
I've tried quite a few things to try and ease this "haunting". I wrote a poem, a short story, I sung sad songs in the shower, binged on his Vlogs, talked about him to my friend, wrote a LOT of stories and scripts about suicide, and even outright had an idea for a novel. I just wanted something to calm this thing about Nathan circling my head.
Or at least you know, maybe to hear someone close to him talk about what he was like and how they dealt with his passing.
For a time I searched for that Vlog I saw of Cory's. It was raw and it was a beautiful testament to his relationship with the guy.
In a way, my search for a little sort of glimpse disgusts me. DudeLikeHella has moved on and is pretty happy.
I... I don't want to ask him something like "What was Nathan like, or how did you cope?" or just generally hear him talk about him.
Its rude. And its like asking someone about a friend you grew apart from.
I tried it once at a Youtube Q&A and I'm almost thankful he didn't notice the question.
Besides, I'm just a faceless man in the sea of the internet's crowd.
Cory isn't going to acknowledge some nobody like me just to answer some questions that maybe painful for him.
Speaking of Cory, you know the thing about his Vlogs that I liked was that you get to glimpse his life and how it evolves. When I first discovered DudeLikeHella years ago, he was still in California and doing a lot of silly stuff and by the time I checked back a few years later, he was now a father.
Strange how time flies.
Anyway, that's all I really have to say in my resurgence in the Blog world. Maybe if I weren't such a coward with low self esteem and confidence, I'd get in front of a camera and Vlog my feelings. (I also have to work on my laziness)
And so, that's all from me today.
Thanos Venge, out.