There's something odd about restarting something you've shelved years ago.
The Daily Baggage was supposed to be a record of where I stood in my life and a journal of sorts of my college experience.
So much for that.
To recap, the Daily Baggage experience has been.... Short... and rather angsty. I was an angsty teenager with a lot of suppressed rage and sadness.
Now I'm an angsty adult with more or less the same suppressed feelings and anxiety.
I wanted to start something fresh again, if only to keep me busy while I wait for my Employer to get back to me again (Because they take forever to mail)
Ah yes, I forgot to mention. I graduated Last May. So... Hoorah?
It was a fun and nervous day. Goodbyes were said, tears were shed and we all went our merry ways.
Leaving Manila, I return to Cavite and await my instructions before I move again and finally get to work. Because honestly, I'd rather do something than sit on my ass all day doing nothing. Well not nothing, I've been playing Skyrim all month. And Paladins.
I've reconnected with my High School friends a lot recently and its been a blast getting to see them again. It's not everyone, but I'm glad I get to have that chance once again.
If you read back through my blog, you know that I've... well, I haven't had the prettiest words about them whenever my Birthday rolled around.
Oh but you know, this time I actually had a sort of celebration. It wasn't a big one per se. But it was a fun day.
Anyway, to start off my restart of this blog, I'd like to talk about some major things that's been going on the past month or two.
Aside from continuously going to job interviews and getting rejected and finally getting an offer, there's been an air of depression that fell on me. I mean yeah, it's nothing new if it's just me.
But really, there was just something... odd about this depression this time.
And for some odd reason, I was holding on to it, like I'm seeking something within that cloak of sadness.
Was it the inspiration it brought me? The burst was nice for a moment, but I don't wanna abuse my dark feelings just for a chance to have an idea.
No, it had something to do with this Youtuber that I heard of years ago.
Nathan Wills.
If you aren't familiar with him, he was a Youtuber who produced music that he sold online and majority of the youtube community had used his music 5 years ago (They were mostly instrumental)
He... He killed himself about 5 years go. Stabbed himself 20 times.
I heard about him from a vlog by DudeLikeHella (Now LiveEachDay) a few years ago when I was in that sad corner of Youtube (I just came out of watching Tomska's video of Edd Gould's death. It was heartbreaking.) I saw his vlog(Which is now private or deleted) about him talking about his friend Nathan, who like I said killed himself and how he was going through his music and stuff.
I wasn't a big watcher at the time and I had only checked Nathan Wills out for about a few minutes before I moved on that day.
Mostly because for some reason checking his stuff out at the time scared me. Suicides are touchy subjects for me. Not because I had a personal encounter with it, but... Death like that hits me hard for some reason.
I also found him on a Youtube list of Youtubers that killed himself.
But enough about that. Where am I going with this?
Around a month ago, I was reminded about Nathan Wills, whose content or name I haven't remembered ever since 2013/4 or so (Around the time Cory Williams/DudeLikeHella moved to Alaska and privated/deleted the majority of his 2011-2012 vlogs)
I don't know how, his name just... popped up and some sort of curiosity just came over me and I decided to dive into his content (that fear I had when I was younger had already vanished by then.)
He was... He was the most positive and talented person I've seen on youtube and his music was outstanding. I saw a glimpse of his life through his Vlogs (And Sara Parker/NerdishByNature)'s vlogs.
And as I continued to watch, some sort of need to look Nathan up had come over me, my way of trying to get some sort of clue or answer or maybe just get some sort of closure.
I found nothing. Just hints in the way he wrote in his descriptions and his eerie last keek.
Youtuber friends that made videos or posts remarked he had messaged them or took the time to spend time with them just before he took his life.
It was chilling to think he had this planned just to bring himself at peace or "come back to the heart", he had said.
You never really know what a person thinks...
And, though I didn't know him, his death rocked me as if we were connected. As if I knew him.
It was at that moment, at that day, there was a weird air around me.
It didn't help that a day after, Chester Bennington killed himself.
I was practically trying to keep myself together. (I was a fan of Linkin Park when I was younger)
Nathan Wills didn't leave my head. Correction, he hasn't left my head. I've been trying to find some way to appease this intrigue and feelings about Nathan. I had gone to some lengths to try and quiet my own thoughts, lengths that are a little weird. It mostly involved a small degree net stalking, if only so I can read or watch what people had to say about him.
Because honestly, listening to people talk about suicide is... A little therapeutic to the soul.
There haven't been a lot. Moderate, but not a lot. He was loved.
It was at this moment I felt I was being haunted. Was Nathan Wills haunting me? Some random 21 year old with a lot of free time in his hands? I didn't know the guy (I wish I did though)
It was also at this moment that I realized the fact that I was somewhat holding on to this feeling that I gained out of the loss of Nathan.
I didn't want to, but I held on to it. Or maybe I was latched on to it.
I've dealt with depression, continue to do so, and despite holding it at bay a lot, has this sudden appearance of Nathan in my life suddenly poked the sadness that I hold?
I.. I want answers. Answers he'll never get to give.
Death isn't exactly very accommodating after all.
It reminds me of a friend of mine when I was younger. He drowned. I cried all night and refused to go to his funeral. I regretted that. I stayed to play Kingdom Hearts if only to keep my mind away from his death. But that's a story for another time.
I've tried quite a few things to try and ease this "haunting". I wrote a poem, a short story, I sung sad songs in the shower, binged on his Vlogs, talked about him to my friend, wrote a LOT of stories and scripts about suicide, and even outright had an idea for a novel. I just wanted something to calm this thing about Nathan circling my head.
Or at least you know, maybe to hear someone close to him talk about what he was like and how they dealt with his passing.
For a time I searched for that Vlog I saw of Cory's. It was raw and it was a beautiful testament to his relationship with the guy.
In a way, my search for a little sort of glimpse disgusts me. DudeLikeHella has moved on and is pretty happy.
I... I don't want to ask him something like "What was Nathan like, or how did you cope?" or just generally hear him talk about him.
Its rude. And its like asking someone about a friend you grew apart from.
I tried it once at a Youtube Q&A and I'm almost thankful he didn't notice the question.
Besides, I'm just a faceless man in the sea of the internet's crowd.
Cory isn't going to acknowledge some nobody like me just to answer some questions that maybe painful for him.
Speaking of Cory, you know the thing about his Vlogs that I liked was that you get to glimpse his life and how it evolves. When I first discovered DudeLikeHella years ago, he was still in California and doing a lot of silly stuff and by the time I checked back a few years later, he was now a father.
Strange how time flies.
Anyway, that's all I really have to say in my resurgence in the Blog world. Maybe if I weren't such a coward with low self esteem and confidence, I'd get in front of a camera and Vlog my feelings. (I also have to work on my laziness)
And so, that's all from me today.
Thanos Venge, out.
