One Year Later...

 God DAMMIT.

It's really all I have to say to sum up my whole year since my last post. Annoying considering that supposed dedication to writing again was supposed to be a new start. But it is what it is...

But what really is it when It is what it is?

Journaling is weird. I should probably do this on paper since it's more permanent. If this account or blog dies, the entries in it do to. Not that I hadn't already purged the old depressing stuff from it but hey, what the hell.
I suppose if there's any reason why I haven't written in a while, it's probably because I didn't have a lot to say, or because I didn't know how to say it. This writing block has been going on since 2020. I haven't written anything decent in a while and any Idea I've had hasn't made past the planning stage. All of my dreams as an ADHD brainrotted teenager has completely fell down the drain. Makes me feel kinda bad for my sister, who wanted to be an actress but ended up being a nurse. My other sister mocked her for trying it and I honestly just feel bad nothing came after the one audition she tried to go for.

I'm dragging things out. Why don't I go start with an update to my life, oh non existent reader.

Let's see, where to start.

Okay, so I still don't have another job. Womp womp. I work at the cinema still, but they're rostering me more on the ice cream shop now and I've gaslit myself into liking it. So much so that I'm the designated Ice Cream shop guy now. Better than the shit people up at floor have to deal with, especially after Minecraft. Like dude, kids were flour bombing our cinemas. It's so insane that bag checks have been reinstated to check for food. It's horrible. Speaking of horrible, Until Dawn the Movie has come out and I'm really hoping it tanks because fuck, why didn't they just use the game's plot? All they did was take the title and rolled with whatever bullshit they had.
I'm not giving it a chance. It's so disrespectful, my gosh.

Let's move on. There's a lot of drama in the cinema and I'd love to talk all about it, but sadly if I do I'd probably get recognized here. This being a personal blog, I think I'm relatively safe from Reddit Fame at this point. Now then, what next?

I managed to work on, detail the plot, start and draw an old comic idea that me and some friends from Uni formed. I've got drafts for the first chapter all planned out. I've started publishing it on Webtoon.
The catch? I haven't updated past Episode 8. Yeah, doing art stuff solo is painful.
Drawing, lineart, and coloring is exhausting... But I'll see if I can start working on them again little by little.

On to the next life event. I don't think I discussed this, but I had a partner for about 3-4 years. She was a friend from Uni and we had some history. I think the best way to describe it has been wrong timing for all accounts. We did long distance for a great majority of this relationship and honestly, the longer it went the more the feelings started to fade. It wasn't working out. When the fights started, it was terrible. We didn't treat each other right. The last year we were together, I started to be more passive. Life was taking over and honestly, sometimes it was getting harder to just reply. And I couldnt really give her what she wanted. I'm just not in that position to make plans. In the end, I was planning to break up with her after my sister's wedding, but she called me and initiated. It was a very peaceful resolution and we decided to remain friends at least. Though, that just means that we probably wont be talking or hanging out again for a very long time. I care for her, but it's just not the same anymore.

On a related note, Months have passed and now I'm trying to see where life takes me from here. Knowing this blog is pretty anonymous and only a few people know about it without it ever getting out to unnecessary people, I've casually started a dating profile. With no success. But that's not really the kicker here.
This is information only a few people know, but I'm actually Bisexual. I've only been with the one partner, but I've also liked men before. I just never acted on it. At least, not on purpose. If you were one of the few souls that actually saw my depressing blog posts that I've sent to oblivion, the first boy I ever liked was a coworker I had become incredibly close with. When he left, I was shattered and tried everything to keep contact. It didnt turn out well and I spiralled. I didn't realize it until some time, but I figured I started to love him. Only a few friends know this. Funny enough, now that years have passed, we're actually pretty cool right now. Occasionally talking even. But that's about it. And now, I want to see where my self discovery takes me. I want to learn more about myself and try dating men. Sadly, I haven't gotten any matches. It's a sad life.

I guess that's enough of an update for now. Maybe one day I'll remember this blog exists again and right a random post.

Ciao bitches.

Shudder

Well, well!
14 days later into March and not a single entry to your blog?
For shame, Max. For shame.
Well, it's not like much has happened besides more of the work getting delegated to me because teenagers are lazy assholes.
I need to get out of here.
There's a lot of pressure on me to get out of my current job and situation but I feel trapped and I know I'm not doing much to improve my odds.
I fucking suck.
The past few days have been very hot as well and I've managed to spend an absurd amount of time off because I swapped out my work days.
And now my body clock is broken. Again. I'm gonna have to work tomorrow- Or today, rather.
I don't want to.
We were supposed to go do an escape room last Sunday too but the heat put a stop to that.
I hope we can replan soon.
I've also got a new idea I haven't worked on in a while but if anyone is actually reading this, there's an experimental short going on in my story blog!
Hopefully I can commit to that at least.
I'm gonna have to cut this short because I need to get some rest before I have to go back to work again.
I'm seriously going to take a week off at some point.
-Max.

Gaps

 I missed yesterday's update on purpose. Though I suppose I don't HAVE to update my blog every single day. But by doing so, it just means I can enforce a form of commitment.
Man, though. Do I have a thing to tell you.
I was feeling productive last Monday and decided, OKAY LETS GET A HAIRCUT.
Melbourne Weather is craaaaazy. But since it's summer, most of the time it's been kinda hot and my hair was long.
So I ate at the right time, cleaned up and went straight for it.
I waited a bit until it got to my turn.
I was like "Eh, I usually get a buzzcut but I'm feeling adventurous. Can you give me a short but stylish hair? I trust you."
Words spoken before disaster.
I'd rather not post a picture of what the travesty that was my hair was but the basic jist of my thought process was:
"Oh god. Please tell me you're not done. Oh god, oh god, please don't tell me I'm paying 30 dollars for this. I LOOK LIKE EDNA MODE."
I tried to get him to cut my hair shorter but he refused and said it would make my hair look weird. BRO, IT ALREADY LOOKS SUPER FUCKING COOKY.
HE SEEMED SO PROUD OF IT TOO!
BRO, HE MADE ME FOLLOW HIM ON IG AND SAID HE'D GIVE ME FASHION ADVICE.
I UNNO ABOUT ANY FASHION OR SOMETHING BUT WHATEVER THAT CUT WAS, IT WAS NOT IT.
It was so ghetto. The back of my head looked poofy. It was the kind of bad that you can't fix with hair wax.
I spent today wearing a hat at work.
I just kept myself super busy so I can NOT think about it.
And when I got off work, first time I did was go to a salon.
The nice Chinese lady who did my hair was just as perplexed as I was.
She was like "Who did your hair? What happened? Such an ugly haircut! Come. I'll cut your hair."
Let me compare how this session went and how the Monday cut went.
The Monday cut took over an hour to do and he basically shaved a half fade and cut off my bangs.
The nice lady who fixed my hair took 30 minutes, 15 of that was just quickly shaving off the unsightly parts that the guy from last Monday did.
And when I say fix, I meant SAVED.
Sure, I spent another 30 dollars on it but this was well worth the price.
I am never having my hair cut by anyone other than her I swear to god.
It went from ugly to damn good if I do say so myself.
Other than that, time has been unproductive.
I don't really want to get into another spiel about work. I bitch about it to my coworkers enough to scream to the heavens.
For now, this will have to do.
Some day, I'm gonna have to come up with a way to properly end blog posts. Like a signature or something.
I bid you adieu I guess.

-MaxAxil

You Can Never Go Home (Koethe)

Setback

If yesterday was one of my more productive days, today has got to be one of the most unproductive days I've ever had in a while.
You'll NEVER guess what I did all day.

If you guessed Persona 3 Reload, then yeah you totally guessed right.

I'm at the final month and I got a little too obsessed with grinding it out. That game takes so much time out of my life that I'm honestly feeling a little frustrated that I haven't finished it yet.
It was so bad that I had to sleep at around 7PM from a headache.
Though I suppose that's probably from me not eating lunch at the right hour and then eating dinner late.
I said I'd make fried rice. I ended up buying KFC because I wanted fried chicken.
So much for saving money.
I did not do anything of worth today and I'm disappointed in myself.
If not just for being unable to work on IT learning or generally trying to improve my life, but even just my other hobbies.

February is a really good month for gaming. But it's not a good month for me to start being a decent human being. I want to say I don't have to be worried all the time but I've spent a lot of my life coasting and now that it's finally getting back to me, I can't just sit idly by even with the time I do have.
I wish there was something I could do to motivate myself better.
Apparently, impending doom is not enough to make me try harder.

It's 4AM in the morning.
I was supposed to write this post 6 hours ago.
But I spent 2 of those hours killing the P3 Reaper 3 times just to level up my party.
Then started fusing Personas.
How shameful.

Again, there's always tomorrow.
And in an effort to try and be positive about today, I won't talk down on myself tonight.
Good things will happen.
Surely.

-MaxAxil

Memories of You (Persona 3)

Streak

 With these consecutive blogposts happening in the span of 3 days (Though the last one did seem way too short and way too late), I'm sort of reminded of how excited I used to be to write for my story blog back in College. It was even more fun when I used to write with my friend, Ethel. Constantly waiting for new stories for either of us to share together. Man, those were the days.
Unfortunately, unless they were one offs, I don't think I really finished any of the series I wrote besides the one with the Controlled Humans with Distorted Smiles. Smile Demons be damned.
So I guess I am kinda proud of myself. If maybe just a little surprised.
Now if I can just apply this streak to the Spanish Duolingo I tried starting and the Google Workspace stuff I've been trying to do. Hah!
But, I've got more things to be proud of today, I suppose.
Other than this, I suppose, I actually cleaned my room, rearranged my furniture, and did my laundry. Also, I cleaned the sink and put away the clean dishes from the dishwasher so YAY FOR THAT!
I didn't do IT Shit today though and I'm still at a standstill.
But I won't berate myself for that right now. I just have to believe I can do this and bring myself to actually do it. I have to.
Or I'll be stuck being forced to make Ice Cream Cakes for the unforeseeable future. And that's a big yikes.
It is once again 2AM in the morning and I am having trouble willingly trying to fix my sleep schedule. If I didn't leave my Playstation 5 outside where my sister is doing her polymer earrings, I would have probably been even more late because I'd be playing P3 right now. I've always been known to take my time at Tartarus so I know it would have been bad.
I'd sneak out to grab it after she finishes with it, but it's late and honestly, it's a good test of my self control.
At least I can do that much on that front.
I can't even finish writing this thing because I keep getting distracted by my attempts to free up my discord servers.
I keep stopping over some of them just to check what's inside. It's stupid.
But I guess I've always been a nostalgic person.
Cleaning always ends up with me stopping at some point just to check up on things I find and reminiscing. 
But I digress. Today's achievements were small but I believe it's a good first step to discipline and getting somewhere.
If I let myself lie prey to all the negative thoughts I have in my head and the feelings of being trapped, I'd wither away completely.
Being self aware of that fact makes it even harder to bear.
Next, maybe I'll learn how to cook fried chicken!
I'll post about it if I ever do.
Till then, this marks a beginning I suppose.

-MaxAxil

The Adults Are Talking (The Strokes)

Reloaded

 Another day, another outrageous time to be awake.
I managed to spend the day not doing much at work and then spend the rest of the day playing Persona 3. At this point, I should just finish the game so I can stop. But I'm min-maxing again and obsessing over Fusing Personas.
If that's not a fun little update, I did my chores at 3AM, just a little after I finally ate Dinner.
My Dad's right. I need discipline.
And even though I'm escaping my life by playing Persona 3, the game reminds me how this game is riddled with so many important life lessons that I feel bad that I'm enjoying myself instead of using what I learned to be a better person.
I've got the next few days off and I intend to do something about it. I hope what little resolve I have manages to surface itself because I need to get out of this feeling of being trapped.
Being stagnant has always been a weakness of mine and I've shrunk in the face of challenge.
Listen to me go on and on. At 5AM I'm barely making sense.
But I promised I would write at least.
Still, with so little time left before the next day truly starts, I should probably get some rest so my mind and fingers would be more inclined to express me properly. I'm so loopy that I've barely managed to be passive aggressive to myself today.
But what do I know?

For now, maybe consider this as a mini update into my daily life.
Now to fix this body clock.

-MaxAxil.

Well, It's a Start

I'm going to play into my self deprecating personality here but, it's not much of an achievement to pull myself into making this second post for 2024. The time is now 2:11 AM.
Hey, it's not 3AM at least.
So, what do I say about this now.
This silly little situation I'm putting myself in where I'm supposed to be proud of myself for writing an entry in my blog reminds me of that one Plankton meme.

"I don't know. I never thought I'd get this far."

And it's not even that far either. It's the very bare minimum.
A bare minimum I can't bring myself to put in other aspects of my life.
Ugh, I sound like the me from 2018. Always whining and bitching about the things I have no control over.
Except this time I'm sane enough to acknowledge the shit I've been doing. And I'm not going crazy over someone this time for not giving me attention he wasn't obligated to give.
Hah. Take that, 2018-2020 me. If you're reading this, I'm not some sappy little bitch anymore. AND, I might add, I actually repaired that friendship and am no longer some obsessed lunatic about it either
.
God why am I being mean to myself at 2AM.

But I digress. I guess this really means I'm, at some level, am trying to make myself accountable for my own life. I'm 27 and I'm working at a Cinema. More specifically, I'm working at the Cinema's partnered Ice Cream Shop these days. So much for my Supervisor promotion when I'm not even training anyone in the one area that doesn't require more than one person at a time.
 I have two degrees, none of which I'm using.
And I'm not doing anything about it. Yet.
But I have to.
In the words of a desperate Yukari Takeba in battle(Persona 3 Circa 2006)
"...I Can Do It!"
At least I hope I can.
I'm also starting to sound like one of those CW Love Triangle situations.
Those annoying Will I or Wont I stuff.
I'm all over the place.
Maybe that's why I'm starting to sound passive aggressive in this post.
It's not like my sass or my old temper has been able to manifest these days. Or has been allowed to anyway, I talked with my co-worker once and told them about how I used to be a hot head.
The fact that some people at work think I'm really nice and gentle or patient makes me laugh. I'm flattered, but honestly I've just learned to keep shit to myself and take them out in other ways. I've lost touch of myself so much lately that I don't think I've been able to properly express myself about my own feelings or more meaningful thoughts that aren't work related or gaming related. In a manner of speaking, I also try to people please to a degree to either keep the conversation friendly or to end it. At the same time, I thrive over gossip and I don't really know what that says about my character. It's super contradicting to how I'm supposed to be.
I have a lot to say about people, but I want people to like me. I won't say anything unless it's people I trust. I become insecure if I feel like someone does not like me. And even if I feel like I won't connect with someone, I want to be their friend.
I want to be friends with lots of people and acquaintances, but it feels weird trying to wedge yourself into someone's business when you were never really close in the first place, ya know? And this isn't just about my co-workers. It's most people from my past that I use to think are pretty cool but I don't think I'd be able to approach myself because I think I'm lame and that messed with my self image I guess.
Probably why I have so much issues with my self esteem and confidence.
Not as bad as it used to, but it's there.


Let's move on to Today. What was today like?
It was work.
I worked at the Ice Cream Shop again.
No one restocks shit so I had to deal with it again.
I met the guy who's closing. I've never really talked to them much.
Reminds me that as much as I want to befriend these people, a lot of my current coworkers are teenagers. God I need to get out of here.
Most of the shift I spent gossiping with a friend, we'll call her S. She's pretty cool.
She does awesome closes when she closes the Ice Cream Shop. But as much as she does do good work, I know she doesn't like working there so I won't hold my breath if they don't want to be rostered there.
I promised myself I'd draw on the train but I got a weird seat and I didn't want to draw with someone sitting next to me so I just kind of slept. Ugh. Well, it was kind of a nice nap I guess.
Then I got home and ordered Okami since it's PAY DAY!!!
That's not good for the wallet, especially since our hours are getting shafted.
But it is what it is.
More incentive to get the hell out of here.
I really should have spent my time wisely. I ended up going through Persona 3 Reload again. Such a pretty remake I swear.
I keep telling myself I'll probably get more done when I finish the game. But that's probably a lie. FF7 is coming out soon and I know for sure I'm going to lose money from that game. Maybe my dad was right. I've got a problem.
I need to get that Google Workspace shit done and learn Active Directory. I'm not even sure if the contact I've got will even consider me still though. I'm taking too much of my time on this.
By the time I finish I don't know if they'll consider me anymore...
I feel like a chump.
But now's not the time to feel sorry for myself. I have to keep telling myself that.
I can only keep going through the motions before it bites me in the ass.
I just gotta keep at it.
There's only so much of It Is What It Is I can toss out before it's all over, ya know?
So let's try something new everyday. Even if it's small.

Why don't we make a progress report even. Though I'll probably just copy paste stuff from the last post.
But other than that, that's about it for now. Thanks imaginary reader.
Or rather, myself.

-MaxAxil

Albatross (Foals)

Progress Report:

Find a job and use that expensive ass degree. Even if it's just a helpdesk job.
Maybe learn the following shit:
>Finish that Google Workspace thing you were working on
>Learn Active Directory
>Practice those HTML Skills and make your sister's website.
>If you're feeling extra dicey, learn actual coding, you idiot.
>Get a job in Cybersecurity possibly. I don't know, something that gets your Visa a Permanent Residency.

Live Healther. God knows you shouldn't have to wonder if you're going to die young.
>Sleep early. Like why the hell are you sleeping in the morning???
>Exercise. Use those stupid weights you bought a year ago. Maybe go to the gym. I don't know!
>Eat Healthy. Eat the three main meals.
>Learn to cook shit that isn't mac and cheese
>Minimize your game time(I mean you kinda do that already but damn if you don't blow so much time on big games you're invested in)
>Read again. Recapture that love.

Write Everyday. Can you do that?
>Write on this blog, for one.
>Write short stories if you want to get back into it.
>Write your novels again. Don't let those ideas die with you.

Draw Everyday. 
>Westbrick needs to live dude.

Do new things
>Learn a new language. (Spanish, Japanese)
>Make new friends
>Go outside and touch grass, loser.
>Learn Piano
>Learn to drive and get your license so you dont have to take an uber every fucking day.

Chase after your old dreams or something.
>Act, even if it's stupid
>Voice act, even if you're not good
>Publish your work, even if you think no one will read them
>Make a video game, even if you don't believe in yourself.