I'm going to play into my self deprecating personality here but, it's not much of an achievement to pull myself into making this second post for 2024. The time is now 2:11 AM.
Hey, it's not 3AM at least.
So, what do I say about this now.
This silly little situation I'm putting myself in where I'm supposed to be proud of myself for writing an entry in my blog reminds me of that one Plankton meme.
"I don't know. I never thought I'd get this far."
And it's not even that far either. It's the very bare minimum.
A bare minimum I can't bring myself to put in other aspects of my life.
Ugh, I sound like the me from 2018. Always whining and bitching about the things I have no control over.
Except this time I'm sane enough to acknowledge the shit I've been doing. And I'm not going crazy over someone this time for not giving me attention he wasn't obligated to give.
Hah. Take that, 2018-2020 me. If you're reading this, I'm not some sappy little bitch anymore. AND, I might add, I actually repaired that friendship and am no longer some obsessed lunatic about it either
.
God why am I being mean to myself at 2AM.
But I digress. I guess this really means I'm, at some level, am trying to make myself accountable for my own life. I'm 27 and I'm working at a Cinema. More specifically, I'm working at the Cinema's partnered Ice Cream Shop these days. So much for my Supervisor promotion when I'm not even training anyone in the one area that doesn't require more than one person at a time.
I have two degrees, none of which I'm using.
And I'm not doing anything about it. Yet.
But I have to.
In the words of a desperate Yukari Takeba in battle(Persona 3 Circa 2006)
"...I Can Do It!"
At least I hope I can.
I'm also starting to sound like one of those CW Love Triangle situations.
Those annoying Will I or Wont I stuff.
I'm all over the place.
Maybe that's why I'm starting to sound passive aggressive in this post.
It's not like my sass or my old temper has been able to manifest these days. Or has been allowed to anyway, I talked with my co-worker once and told them about how I used to be a hot head.
The fact that some people at work think I'm really nice and gentle or patient makes me laugh. I'm flattered, but honestly I've just learned to keep shit to myself and take them out in other ways. I've lost touch of myself so much lately that I don't think I've been able to properly express myself about my own feelings or more meaningful thoughts that aren't work related or gaming related. In a manner of speaking, I also try to people please to a degree to either keep the conversation friendly or to end it. At the same time, I thrive over gossip and I don't really know what that says about my character. It's super contradicting to how I'm supposed to be.
I have a lot to say about people, but I want people to like me. I won't say anything unless it's people I trust. I become insecure if I feel like someone does not like me. And even if I feel like I won't connect with someone, I want to be their friend.
I want to be friends with lots of people and acquaintances, but it feels weird trying to wedge yourself into someone's business when you were never really close in the first place, ya know? And this isn't just about my co-workers. It's most people from my past that I use to think are pretty cool but I don't think I'd be able to approach myself because I think I'm lame and that messed with my self image I guess.
Probably why I have so much issues with my self esteem and confidence.
Not as bad as it used to, but it's there.
Let's move on to Today. What was today like?
It was work.
I worked at the Ice Cream Shop again.
No one restocks shit so I had to deal with it again.
I met the guy who's closing. I've never really talked to them much.
Reminds me that as much as I want to befriend these people, a lot of my current coworkers are teenagers. God I need to get out of here.
Most of the shift I spent gossiping with a friend, we'll call her S. She's pretty cool.
She does awesome closes when she closes the Ice Cream Shop. But as much as she does do good work, I know she doesn't like working there so I won't hold my breath if they don't want to be rostered there.
I promised myself I'd draw on the train but I got a weird seat and I didn't want to draw with someone sitting next to me so I just kind of slept. Ugh. Well, it was kind of a nice nap I guess.
Then I got home and ordered Okami since it's PAY DAY!!!
That's not good for the wallet, especially since our hours are getting shafted.
But it is what it is.
More incentive to get the hell out of here.
I really should have spent my time wisely. I ended up going through Persona 3 Reload again. Such a pretty remake I swear.
I keep telling myself I'll probably get more done when I finish the game. But that's probably a lie. FF7 is coming out soon and I know for sure I'm going to lose money from that game. Maybe my dad was right. I've got a problem.
I need to get that Google Workspace shit done and learn Active Directory. I'm not even sure if the contact I've got will even consider me still though. I'm taking too much of my time on this.
By the time I finish I don't know if they'll consider me anymore...
I feel like a chump.
But now's not the time to feel sorry for myself. I have to keep telling myself that.
I can only keep going through the motions before it bites me in the ass.
I just gotta keep at it.
There's only so much of It Is What It Is I can toss out before it's all over, ya know?
So let's try something new everyday. Even if it's small.
Why don't we make a progress report even. Though I'll probably just copy paste stuff from the last post.
But other than that, that's about it for now. Thanks imaginary reader.
Or rather, myself.
-MaxAxil
Progress Report:
Find a job and use that expensive ass degree. Even if it's just a helpdesk job.
Maybe learn the following shit:
>Finish that Google Workspace thing you were working on
>Learn Active Directory
>Practice those HTML Skills and make your sister's website.
>If you're feeling extra dicey, learn actual coding, you idiot.
>Get a job in Cybersecurity possibly. I don't know, something that gets your Visa a Permanent Residency.
Live Healther. God knows you shouldn't have to wonder if you're going to die young.
>Sleep early. Like why the hell are you sleeping in the morning???
>Exercise. Use those stupid weights you bought a year ago. Maybe go to the gym. I don't know!
>Eat Healthy. Eat the three main meals.
>Learn to cook shit that isn't mac and cheese
>Minimize your game time(I mean you kinda do that already but damn if you don't blow so much time on big games you're invested in)
>Read again. Recapture that love.
Write Everyday. Can you do that?
>Write on this blog, for one.
>Write short stories if you want to get back into it.
>Write your novels again. Don't let those ideas die with you.
Draw Everyday.
>Westbrick needs to live dude.
Do new things
>Learn a new language. (Spanish, Japanese)
>Make new friends
>Go outside and touch grass, loser.
>Learn Piano
>Learn to drive and get your license so you dont have to take an uber every fucking day.
Chase after your old dreams or something.
>Act, even if it's stupid
>Voice act, even if you're not good
>Publish your work, even if you think no one will read them
>Make a video game, even if you don't believe in yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment